Not feeling it once again.

But I still feel obligated to drop an update of sorts. I'm at the party, but I'm not really in the party. I don't understand the whole of this feeling. I know it, sure, but I really don't understand it. If the thing is basically centered around having a deficit in attention paid towards ia'u, then I can figure that out. Still, the very fact that the same kind of thing happens every time I go to do something with a larger group of people doesn't comfort me.

It would happen at school dances. It would happen when I was out with more than twenty people. It's not so much a longing to be, but a longing to have a purpose, maybe? I don't really feel as though I'm serving any kind of purpose here as I am. I'm not doing what they're all doing. I'm not playing the games they're playing. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to my E Nomine, "Laetitia" this time, and just figuring out what's going on up in here than what's going on in the physical realm. I really don't maopopo it.

I might seem like I do. I might even fake myself into believing I understand what's going on in my head, but I really don't. I never truly do. Shoot, it's time for the depressing bit. I think maybe I just see other people interacting so freely with so little limitation or whatever, but I don't feel comfortable enough to go out and do the same. Maybe it's a complex that reminds me in such a way that I need to consciously separate myself from those surrounding. I would love to be having fun, seriously, but something is messing with my thinking processes.

Ah,Laetitia, why do I feel like I should be standing on my own? What is this feeling that I should be the different one? It would be selfish to say I must be he within the greater whole who should suffer something, and yet I am forced to think no other way. I can give no other explanation for it. Is it so true that I am left to be so different? Could it be that I'm just tired, or that the comfort of people has become rather uncomfortable? I don't have the ability to describe the level of research I would need to do in order to fully get this. I don't know if I want to get this. I could use some answers. It doesn't make sense!

This reminds me of things that make me uncomfortable. I don't know if it's a certain element of the atmosphere, or whether it's an element within me, but I know it bugs the hell out of me. How is it that I can't feel comfortable in my own skin? I'm not being insecure, but somehow I just feel like being alone.

Why?

Why this, and why with these people, and why this time?

I would like to know, because I can't figure it out on my own this time.