But I still feel obligated to drop an update of sorts. I'm at the party, but I'm not really in the party. I don't understand the whole of this feeling. I know it, sure, but I really don't understand it. If the thing is basically centered around having a deficit in attention paid towards ia'u, then I can figure that out. Still, the very fact that the same kind of thing happens every time I go to do something with a larger group of people doesn't comfort me.
It would happen at school dances. It would happen when I was out with more than twenty people. It's not so much a longing to be, but a longing to have a purpose, maybe? I don't really feel as though I'm serving any kind of purpose here as I am. I'm not doing what they're all doing. I'm not playing the games they're playing. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to my E Nomine, "Laetitia" this time, and just figuring out what's going on up in here than what's going on in the physical realm. I really don't maopopo it.
I might seem like I do. I might even fake myself into believing I understand what's going on in my head, but I really don't. I never truly do. Shoot, it's time for the depressing bit. I think maybe I just see other people interacting so freely with so little limitation or whatever, but I don't feel comfortable enough to go out and do the same. Maybe it's a complex that reminds me in such a way that I need to consciously separate myself from those surrounding. I would love to be having fun, seriously, but something is messing with my thinking processes.
Ah,Laetitia, why do I feel like I should be standing on my own? What is this feeling that I should be the different one? It would be selfish to say I must be he within the greater whole who should suffer something, and yet I am forced to think no other way. I can give no other explanation for it. Is it so true that I am left to be so different? Could it be that I'm just tired, or that the comfort of people has become rather uncomfortable? I don't have the ability to describe the level of research I would need to do in order to fully get this. I don't know if I want to get this. I could use some answers. It doesn't make sense!
This reminds me of things that make me uncomfortable. I don't know if it's a certain element of the atmosphere, or whether it's an element within me, but I know it bugs the hell out of me. How is it that I can't feel comfortable in my own skin? I'm not being insecure, but somehow I just feel like being alone.
Why?
Why this, and why with these people, and why this time?
I would like to know, because I can't figure it out on my own this time.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Feeling it once again.
[blog]
First, songs of the day: "Sekai ni Hitotsu Dake no Hana" - SMAP.
"Schwarze Sonne"; "Das Omen"; "Das Rad Des Schicksals"; "Mysteria"; - E Nomine
Now, the blogging.
So, this is my first, and hopefully not last, blog for the summer of 2006. This year, I finished all of my freshman courses at Hawai'i Pacific University, all without having to pay for tuition! [yay]. I met a good group of people who are sure to provide me with love and support in the years to come [yay2]. I've been able to keep in touch with some old friends, some who have returned and some who will not [yay/aww], but things are still "looking up," for lack of a more worthy phrase.
In other news, I'm consciously trying to remember what little Deutsche is left in my memory, be it from rocking to Rammstein or the fantastic machinations of my unconscious soul with E Nomine. Heck, I had trouble just trying to type in it, let alone communicate. Altogether, another point of interest and another challenge on the road to understanding linguistics.
Work has been good. I've been back for three weeks, and my co-workers weren't phased at all when I showed up at work the first day back, embarassed that I hadn't emailed or anything. I'm currently working on some top realty and mortgage firms' sites. The company reps are generous with their suggestions, though, nonsensical at times. My supervisors are doing an especially kind job of making sure I get my shizzle down [sigh-relief]. My boss walks around the office every once in a while and asks me what's going down. He's cool, just needs to work on his catch-phrases. Again, for lack of much updating, my life so far has revolved around working downtown. My projects, which I cannot discuss in public, will be going live very soon, not that you can "look out" for them. No, I'd have to kill you.
Seriously [serious].
Anyhow, next on the agenda. Family... Whoo, there's a whole bushel of whackedness. These last, what, four months have been trying on each member of the Keith Maile household. Dad and Mom have put up with a lot of stress concerning Kawika's upcoming college days, and I feel it in their hearts during the arguments. Sometimes, I wonder how Kawika can sit there and deal the verbals. I think some of him has rubbed off on me this last year. I know my attitude has changed, not in a slight way, either. Still, I'm trying to keep my relations mit der Familie relatively calm. I haven't done a good job of it today, though.
Other things to be thinking about:
- Expenses for summer begin to pile up: Clothes for work/iPod repair/iPod casing/overdue cell phone bills [no Mama]/TheBus passes/Lunches/Miscellaneous things.
- Class schedule is pretty defined as of now, since I assume most people are completely done with registration (even if I want to change, I figure classes are all full).
- Need to get back into reading my good books. I've gone too long without reading a "good" book, even if I do go back and re-read my Humanities and Anthropology books. I would like to finish my Hawaiian book before summer is done, understanding as much as I can with whatever limited vocabulary I can muster, nan toka.
- Figuring out na wahine i kou ola. Zenzen wakanne yo, ore wa. He mau mea ho'opohihihi na wahine. E, maika'i no na'e, a c'est la vie.
I think at this time, I'll end it. My story isn't coming to me, and the creativity has met a stopping point somewhere between my right shoulder blae and the base of my neck. Hopefully, I'll get to it i keia kakahiaka a'e nei. We'll just have to wait and see, right?
[/blog]
First, songs of the day: "Sekai ni Hitotsu Dake no Hana" - SMAP.
"Schwarze Sonne"; "Das Omen"; "Das Rad Des Schicksals"; "Mysteria"; - E Nomine
Now, the blogging.
So, this is my first, and hopefully not last, blog for the summer of 2006. This year, I finished all of my freshman courses at Hawai'i Pacific University, all without having to pay for tuition! [yay]. I met a good group of people who are sure to provide me with love and support in the years to come [yay2]. I've been able to keep in touch with some old friends, some who have returned and some who will not [yay/aww], but things are still "looking up," for lack of a more worthy phrase.
In other news, I'm consciously trying to remember what little Deutsche is left in my memory, be it from rocking to Rammstein or the fantastic machinations of my unconscious soul with E Nomine. Heck, I had trouble just trying to type in it, let alone communicate. Altogether, another point of interest and another challenge on the road to understanding linguistics.
Work has been good. I've been back for three weeks, and my co-workers weren't phased at all when I showed up at work the first day back, embarassed that I hadn't emailed or anything. I'm currently working on some top realty and mortgage firms' sites. The company reps are generous with their suggestions, though, nonsensical at times. My supervisors are doing an especially kind job of making sure I get my shizzle down [sigh-relief]. My boss walks around the office every once in a while and asks me what's going down. He's cool, just needs to work on his catch-phrases. Again, for lack of much updating, my life so far has revolved around working downtown. My projects, which I cannot discuss in public, will be going live very soon, not that you can "look out" for them. No, I'd have to kill you.
Seriously [serious].
Anyhow, next on the agenda. Family... Whoo, there's a whole bushel of whackedness. These last, what, four months have been trying on each member of the Keith Maile household. Dad and Mom have put up with a lot of stress concerning Kawika's upcoming college days, and I feel it in their hearts during the arguments. Sometimes, I wonder how Kawika can sit there and deal the verbals. I think some of him has rubbed off on me this last year. I know my attitude has changed, not in a slight way, either. Still, I'm trying to keep my relations mit der Familie relatively calm. I haven't done a good job of it today, though.
Other things to be thinking about:
- Expenses for summer begin to pile up: Clothes for work/iPod repair/iPod casing/overdue cell phone bills [no Mama]/TheBus passes/Lunches/Miscellaneous things.
- Class schedule is pretty defined as of now, since I assume most people are completely done with registration (even if I want to change, I figure classes are all full).
- Need to get back into reading my good books. I've gone too long without reading a "good" book, even if I do go back and re-read my Humanities and Anthropology books. I would like to finish my Hawaiian book before summer is done, understanding as much as I can with whatever limited vocabulary I can muster, nan toka.
- Figuring out na wahine i kou ola. Zenzen wakanne yo, ore wa. He mau mea ho'opohihihi na wahine. E, maika'i no na'e, a c'est la vie.
I think at this time, I'll end it. My story isn't coming to me, and the creativity has met a stopping point somewhere between my right shoulder blae and the base of my neck. Hopefully, I'll get to it i keia kakahiaka a'e nei. We'll just have to wait and see, right?
[/blog]
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