Augen auf, Ich komme.

It really sucks when a good day goes wrong. I mean, really, everything could be fine, just relaxed and all. Suddenly, something invariably destroys the peace and the mindset.

Why? I will expound that following, but first, some observations.

Observation 1:
I should know better than to tempt Fate as I do every day of my life. I doubt that I will ever stop playing the game with Destiny anytime soon, perhaps when I have learned a final lesson from Death I'll look back and say, "Well, fine mess you made. Time to be rectified." On a daily basis, I look him in the face and laugh. I giggle at the insanity of the world; I scoff at the wars and battles of mankind; and I most definitely will not pay heed to the machinations of the greater United States of America. What concerns me, on the contrary, is the idea that it is all part of a plan. I understand and accept that, no matter what I think I can do, whatever I think I have a choice of doing is really something that was meant to happen despite the case. I do not have control over the universe; instead, I choose to accept the control the universe has over me. In my day-to-day living, I know there are "choices" that I do make, choices that ultimately do make a difference in how I live, but such choices are already decided. If something is, it is because it was meant to be. Destiny must be laughing at me from across the way. So, realistically, this blog was meant to be.

Observation 2:
In the confines of my ego, there is a certain sense of Pride, of doing things in a way that I find make me somehow "better" or beyond another. In that same ego is the seed of Zweiful (Doubt), out of which rises the ghost of Ausfall (Failure). Now, Doubt plays his role exceedingly well. He is much the sniper in the trees, one who chooses when and how to grip the hearts of men in a black fist of what the Germans call "angst." Angst, on the other hand, takes Zweifel's place when the prior begins to cross the line of extremity. Angst is as much a shadow as she is a sensation that can be felt. The sweat beads on your brow, the moisture in your throat hides away, the eyes fear Angst and retreat as you squint to see, physically or mentally, what it is that comes after you. The blood speeds in your veins, your hands, now fists, shake at a noiseless terror. Your chest rises and falls with the filling of your lungs, pulling in the air slowly, less with each breath. Your body stiffens as you turn to face it, and that is the end. Such is the part played by Angst in our dealings. Now, Ausfall is invited to torment you by Angst, they are cousins, after all. Ausfall does less damage physically than Angst, much less so considering how very sensitive you are. However, Angst fades in time. Ausfall remains, ever haunting the mind. Ich lebe mit Ausfall und Angst und Macht und Zweiful jetzt.

Observation 3:
There is little to be done about the feelings one holds him or herself to, especially if there is no vocal or spiritual outlet by which they feel they can release themselves of, or enhance thereby, such feelings. Given, there is not always a time, nor a place, for the human to even think about the release, in which case that individual may lose control. Some cases call for the individual to bury their feelings deep within the psyche, hiding, on the surface, at least, the condition in which they reside from some of the world. This is an effective technique in isolating the self from the rest of the universe, but often results in damage to the self both physically and emotionally, seen often in cases of depression or self-loathing.

I knew today was going too well. There was too much + and not enough -. Now, there's a surplus in the latter, and I may as well be on my way to Holle.

Der Himmel war leer
Der Mensch wollte mehr
Das Schicksal war klar.

Combo Goodness

Oh, yes.
Current mood: content

To the girl I sat next to on the bus today.

Normally, I dont pay much attention to the majority of ladies that come onto the bus, especially not when Im coming home from a long day of work. You entered in something of a hurry, with a friend, if I assume correctly. You looked around for a seat, and I sat down before you. I wasnt expecting anything interesting.

I think I was wrong.

So, I sat down and thought nothing more of it. My seat was closer to the front of the bus, and you sat down in some seat behind me, Im not quite sure where. I took to resting my head in my hand, leaning towards the window. After that, I just went unconscious for a while, shifting the weight of my head with the bumps on the road. A few stops after I first got on, I awoke to the sight of more people, office managers, mothers, a few middle schoolers heading home. Then, as the rest of the Kahala-bound Alapai transfer riders got into the bus, you went to the front and inquired something of the driver. I knew him; he knew my face, surely my hair. You made your way back, but you decided to sit in the front, a few seats before my own. I had a good view.

The black top you wore embraced the soft, curved lines of your body, helping to frame your fair face amidst that garden of midnight atop your head. Your eyes reminded me of night when no one else is around and you wish there was someone nearby to hold and keep warm. The graceful way you moved would have been envied by all the forests ever to sway in gentle breeze. You were calm, collected, I would even venture elegant. But, you didnt look towards the rear, instead facing the right side of the bus. An older lady, most likely someones Chinese aunt, decided to sit in the empty seat next to mine, and I moved to give her more room. I glanced away to my window, hoping to find something else to tempt my imagination. Again, consciousness was drained from me like sand in the top-half of an hourglass.

Imagine my surprise the next time I opened my eyes.

Only ten minutes closer to my stop, I woke up to see the front of McKinley high school to my right. Some kids were getting on the bus, Asian guys, tall and lanky. I thought nothing of it, nothing seemed to differ from what I would normally see. The bus began to move away, heading further into the mundane side of Manoa, farther from the valley. I mean to crack my neck, but I took notice that you were missing. I had figured you to have departed the bus a stop or two back, took note and moved to crack my neck. Then, out of the corner of my eye, the light pastel green of your skirt caught me off guard. I turned a bit more, still more. Your long, dark eyelashes teased me into looking, as funny as it must have seemed with me twitching to see. A few more glances could only further cause me despair. Such a beauty, how could I finally have lucked out? How many months have I started using this bus without ever having seen a girl like her? Shes beautiful!

Heres my stop. Should I ask her to excuse me? Should I ask in French or Hawaiian? Should I say anything at all? What if she answers me in return? What am I supposed to tell her? Why cant I find my cell phone in these blasted pockets?

And that was that. I got out of my seat, rushed for the door and made my way across the street to the other side of Toys N Joys. It was over faster than I had thought, but Im still smarting from our chance meeting. Thank you for accompanying me in silence, my fair beauty. Maybe Ill see you again, maybe on the same bus, maybe in passing. Until then, fare you well, Madame Love.

----------------

"Just enough"

I seen you across the way, girl
There's just something about the way you looked at me
I don't really know what to say, girl
There's just something about the way you get to me

Our first talk was a little sketchy
And you didn't seem to care
After some time, I got to know you better
I saw your heart and the love that could be there

I can look, but I can't touch
And even then, the looking is too much
I can only dream of you and the love that could be
But for me, even a dream is just enough

I knew a lot of lines, I knew enough
But that didn't mean they were up to par
I thought you were much more special
Oh, how I hoped it would go far

I want to show you that I care, girl
To let you know that I'm for real
But I can only look and shake my head, girl
Because you're too good to be real

I can look, but I can't touch
And even then, the looking is too much
I can only dream of you and the love that could be
But for me, even a dream is just enough

Before we met, I thought that I'd known beauty
But you just served to prove me wrong
And after the short time I've come to know you
I came up with this song, just for you

Oh, I can look, but I can't touch
But even then, the looking is too much
I can barely stand to see you around town
And these feelings of mine only serve to keep me down

I can look, but I can't touch
And even then, the looking is too much
I can only dream of you and the love that could be
But for me, even a dream is just enough