Augen auf, Ich komme.

It really sucks when a good day goes wrong. I mean, really, everything could be fine, just relaxed and all. Suddenly, something invariably destroys the peace and the mindset.

Why? I will expound that following, but first, some observations.

Observation 1:
I should know better than to tempt Fate as I do every day of my life. I doubt that I will ever stop playing the game with Destiny anytime soon, perhaps when I have learned a final lesson from Death I'll look back and say, "Well, fine mess you made. Time to be rectified." On a daily basis, I look him in the face and laugh. I giggle at the insanity of the world; I scoff at the wars and battles of mankind; and I most definitely will not pay heed to the machinations of the greater United States of America. What concerns me, on the contrary, is the idea that it is all part of a plan. I understand and accept that, no matter what I think I can do, whatever I think I have a choice of doing is really something that was meant to happen despite the case. I do not have control over the universe; instead, I choose to accept the control the universe has over me. In my day-to-day living, I know there are "choices" that I do make, choices that ultimately do make a difference in how I live, but such choices are already decided. If something is, it is because it was meant to be. Destiny must be laughing at me from across the way. So, realistically, this blog was meant to be.

Observation 2:
In the confines of my ego, there is a certain sense of Pride, of doing things in a way that I find make me somehow "better" or beyond another. In that same ego is the seed of Zweiful (Doubt), out of which rises the ghost of Ausfall (Failure). Now, Doubt plays his role exceedingly well. He is much the sniper in the trees, one who chooses when and how to grip the hearts of men in a black fist of what the Germans call "angst." Angst, on the other hand, takes Zweifel's place when the prior begins to cross the line of extremity. Angst is as much a shadow as she is a sensation that can be felt. The sweat beads on your brow, the moisture in your throat hides away, the eyes fear Angst and retreat as you squint to see, physically or mentally, what it is that comes after you. The blood speeds in your veins, your hands, now fists, shake at a noiseless terror. Your chest rises and falls with the filling of your lungs, pulling in the air slowly, less with each breath. Your body stiffens as you turn to face it, and that is the end. Such is the part played by Angst in our dealings. Now, Ausfall is invited to torment you by Angst, they are cousins, after all. Ausfall does less damage physically than Angst, much less so considering how very sensitive you are. However, Angst fades in time. Ausfall remains, ever haunting the mind. Ich lebe mit Ausfall und Angst und Macht und Zweiful jetzt.

Observation 3:
There is little to be done about the feelings one holds him or herself to, especially if there is no vocal or spiritual outlet by which they feel they can release themselves of, or enhance thereby, such feelings. Given, there is not always a time, nor a place, for the human to even think about the release, in which case that individual may lose control. Some cases call for the individual to bury their feelings deep within the psyche, hiding, on the surface, at least, the condition in which they reside from some of the world. This is an effective technique in isolating the self from the rest of the universe, but often results in damage to the self both physically and emotionally, seen often in cases of depression or self-loathing.

I knew today was going too well. There was too much + and not enough -. Now, there's a surplus in the latter, and I may as well be on my way to Holle.

Der Himmel war leer
Der Mensch wollte mehr
Das Schicksal war klar.

Combo Goodness

Oh, yes.
Current mood: content

To the girl I sat next to on the bus today.

Normally, I dont pay much attention to the majority of ladies that come onto the bus, especially not when Im coming home from a long day of work. You entered in something of a hurry, with a friend, if I assume correctly. You looked around for a seat, and I sat down before you. I wasnt expecting anything interesting.

I think I was wrong.

So, I sat down and thought nothing more of it. My seat was closer to the front of the bus, and you sat down in some seat behind me, Im not quite sure where. I took to resting my head in my hand, leaning towards the window. After that, I just went unconscious for a while, shifting the weight of my head with the bumps on the road. A few stops after I first got on, I awoke to the sight of more people, office managers, mothers, a few middle schoolers heading home. Then, as the rest of the Kahala-bound Alapai transfer riders got into the bus, you went to the front and inquired something of the driver. I knew him; he knew my face, surely my hair. You made your way back, but you decided to sit in the front, a few seats before my own. I had a good view.

The black top you wore embraced the soft, curved lines of your body, helping to frame your fair face amidst that garden of midnight atop your head. Your eyes reminded me of night when no one else is around and you wish there was someone nearby to hold and keep warm. The graceful way you moved would have been envied by all the forests ever to sway in gentle breeze. You were calm, collected, I would even venture elegant. But, you didnt look towards the rear, instead facing the right side of the bus. An older lady, most likely someones Chinese aunt, decided to sit in the empty seat next to mine, and I moved to give her more room. I glanced away to my window, hoping to find something else to tempt my imagination. Again, consciousness was drained from me like sand in the top-half of an hourglass.

Imagine my surprise the next time I opened my eyes.

Only ten minutes closer to my stop, I woke up to see the front of McKinley high school to my right. Some kids were getting on the bus, Asian guys, tall and lanky. I thought nothing of it, nothing seemed to differ from what I would normally see. The bus began to move away, heading further into the mundane side of Manoa, farther from the valley. I mean to crack my neck, but I took notice that you were missing. I had figured you to have departed the bus a stop or two back, took note and moved to crack my neck. Then, out of the corner of my eye, the light pastel green of your skirt caught me off guard. I turned a bit more, still more. Your long, dark eyelashes teased me into looking, as funny as it must have seemed with me twitching to see. A few more glances could only further cause me despair. Such a beauty, how could I finally have lucked out? How many months have I started using this bus without ever having seen a girl like her? Shes beautiful!

Heres my stop. Should I ask her to excuse me? Should I ask in French or Hawaiian? Should I say anything at all? What if she answers me in return? What am I supposed to tell her? Why cant I find my cell phone in these blasted pockets?

And that was that. I got out of my seat, rushed for the door and made my way across the street to the other side of Toys N Joys. It was over faster than I had thought, but Im still smarting from our chance meeting. Thank you for accompanying me in silence, my fair beauty. Maybe Ill see you again, maybe on the same bus, maybe in passing. Until then, fare you well, Madame Love.

----------------

"Just enough"

I seen you across the way, girl
There's just something about the way you looked at me
I don't really know what to say, girl
There's just something about the way you get to me

Our first talk was a little sketchy
And you didn't seem to care
After some time, I got to know you better
I saw your heart and the love that could be there

I can look, but I can't touch
And even then, the looking is too much
I can only dream of you and the love that could be
But for me, even a dream is just enough

I knew a lot of lines, I knew enough
But that didn't mean they were up to par
I thought you were much more special
Oh, how I hoped it would go far

I want to show you that I care, girl
To let you know that I'm for real
But I can only look and shake my head, girl
Because you're too good to be real

I can look, but I can't touch
And even then, the looking is too much
I can only dream of you and the love that could be
But for me, even a dream is just enough

Before we met, I thought that I'd known beauty
But you just served to prove me wrong
And after the short time I've come to know you
I came up with this song, just for you

Oh, I can look, but I can't touch
But even then, the looking is too much
I can barely stand to see you around town
And these feelings of mine only serve to keep me down

I can look, but I can't touch
And even then, the looking is too much
I can only dream of you and the love that could be
But for me, even a dream is just enough

Not feeling it once again.

But I still feel obligated to drop an update of sorts. I'm at the party, but I'm not really in the party. I don't understand the whole of this feeling. I know it, sure, but I really don't understand it. If the thing is basically centered around having a deficit in attention paid towards ia'u, then I can figure that out. Still, the very fact that the same kind of thing happens every time I go to do something with a larger group of people doesn't comfort me.

It would happen at school dances. It would happen when I was out with more than twenty people. It's not so much a longing to be, but a longing to have a purpose, maybe? I don't really feel as though I'm serving any kind of purpose here as I am. I'm not doing what they're all doing. I'm not playing the games they're playing. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to my E Nomine, "Laetitia" this time, and just figuring out what's going on up in here than what's going on in the physical realm. I really don't maopopo it.

I might seem like I do. I might even fake myself into believing I understand what's going on in my head, but I really don't. I never truly do. Shoot, it's time for the depressing bit. I think maybe I just see other people interacting so freely with so little limitation or whatever, but I don't feel comfortable enough to go out and do the same. Maybe it's a complex that reminds me in such a way that I need to consciously separate myself from those surrounding. I would love to be having fun, seriously, but something is messing with my thinking processes.

Ah,Laetitia, why do I feel like I should be standing on my own? What is this feeling that I should be the different one? It would be selfish to say I must be he within the greater whole who should suffer something, and yet I am forced to think no other way. I can give no other explanation for it. Is it so true that I am left to be so different? Could it be that I'm just tired, or that the comfort of people has become rather uncomfortable? I don't have the ability to describe the level of research I would need to do in order to fully get this. I don't know if I want to get this. I could use some answers. It doesn't make sense!

This reminds me of things that make me uncomfortable. I don't know if it's a certain element of the atmosphere, or whether it's an element within me, but I know it bugs the hell out of me. How is it that I can't feel comfortable in my own skin? I'm not being insecure, but somehow I just feel like being alone.

Why?

Why this, and why with these people, and why this time?

I would like to know, because I can't figure it out on my own this time.

Feeling it once again.

[blog]

First, songs of the day: "Sekai ni Hitotsu Dake no Hana" - SMAP.

"Schwarze Sonne"; "Das Omen"; "Das Rad Des Schicksals"; "Mysteria"; - E Nomine

Now, the blogging.

So, this is my first, and hopefully not last, blog for the summer of 2006. This year, I finished all of my freshman courses at Hawai'i Pacific University, all without having to pay for tuition! [yay]. I met a good group of people who are sure to provide me with love and support in the years to come [yay2]. I've been able to keep in touch with some old friends, some who have returned and some who will not [yay/aww], but things are still "looking up," for lack of a more worthy phrase.

In other news, I'm consciously trying to remember what little Deutsche is left in my memory, be it from rocking to Rammstein or the fantastic machinations of my unconscious soul with E Nomine. Heck, I had trouble just trying to type in it, let alone communicate. Altogether, another point of interest and another challenge on the road to understanding linguistics.

Work has been good. I've been back for three weeks, and my co-workers weren't phased at all when I showed up at work the first day back, embarassed that I hadn't emailed or anything. I'm currently working on some top realty and mortgage firms' sites. The company reps are generous with their suggestions, though, nonsensical at times. My supervisors are doing an especially kind job of making sure I get my shizzle down [sigh-relief]. My boss walks around the office every once in a while and asks me what's going down. He's cool, just needs to work on his catch-phrases. Again, for lack of much updating, my life so far has revolved around working downtown. My projects, which I cannot discuss in public, will be going live very soon, not that you can "look out" for them. No, I'd have to kill you.

Seriously [serious].

Anyhow, next on the agenda. Family... Whoo, there's a whole bushel of whackedness. These last, what, four months have been trying on each member of the Keith Maile household. Dad and Mom have put up with a lot of stress concerning Kawika's upcoming college days, and I feel it in their hearts during the arguments. Sometimes, I wonder how Kawika can sit there and deal the verbals. I think some of him has rubbed off on me this last year. I know my attitude has changed, not in a slight way, either. Still, I'm trying to keep my relations mit der Familie relatively calm. I haven't done a good job of it today, though.

Other things to be thinking about:
- Expenses for summer begin to pile up: Clothes for work/iPod repair/iPod casing/overdue cell phone bills [no Mama]/TheBus passes/Lunches/Miscellaneous things.

- Class schedule is pretty defined as of now, since I assume most people are completely done with registration (even if I want to change, I figure classes are all full).

- Need to get back into reading my good books. I've gone too long without reading a "good" book, even if I do go back and re-read my Humanities and Anthropology books. I would like to finish my Hawaiian book before summer is done, understanding as much as I can with whatever limited vocabulary I can muster, nan toka.

- Figuring out na wahine i kou ola. Zenzen wakanne yo, ore wa. He mau mea ho'opohihihi na wahine. E, maika'i no na'e, a c'est la vie.

I think at this time, I'll end it. My story isn't coming to me, and the creativity has met a stopping point somewhere between my right shoulder blae and the base of my neck. Hopefully, I'll get to it i keia kakahiaka a'e nei. We'll just have to wait and see, right?

[/blog]

QotD: Wow.

[00:22] DexterBacon: you don't want to look at me unless you have a backup set of panties
[00:23] DexterBacon: you might wet yourself and orgasm

Eh.

Eh, you tink you dakine, ah? Smaht, ah, you! You wen come heah an' wan fo' try dis one, good, good, dakine. Try fo' follo dees enstrukshuns, 'cuz. I tin' ken gettum.

(In the following blog, I will list some words and phrases commonly heard in Hawaiian Pidgin creole. I will attempt to label them accurately, as well as define them as best I can. If you want to comment, please do one of the following:

1) Comment on whatever you please, as long as it is in full Pidgin.
2) Add to the words already put down or dispute the definitions.
3) Add helpful information to those who probably won't get it.

That being said, let the fun begin!")
_________________________________________________________

"dakine" - Noun/Verb/Adjective/Adverb. [variations on spelling include "da kine," "d'kine," and "da kin'."] (General Descriptive): "Eh, you wen' dakine wit' dakine las' week wen was dakine, ah?"

"Didn't you go with Kimo to the beach when the waves were breaking high last week?"

"buggah" - Noun. [variations on spelling include "bugga," and less frequently, "bugger."] (Term of endearment/Generic noun based on context):

1) "Hu, dis buggah stay stink, ah!"

"Incredible: the stench of this rotting mango is turning my nose upside-down!"

2) "Check dis buggah. Stay make, dakine."

"Hey, look at this fellow. He seems dead, or unconscious."

"brah" - Noun. [variations on spelling include "bra," "bah," and, rarely, "ba."] (Term used as an additional interjectory phrase, endearment and generic form for "person." Can be used as a substitute for "dakine" in the case of a person.)

1) "Ho, brah!"

"Hey, my friend!"; "What the hell?!"; "Wow (incredible)!";

"like" - Verb/Verb stem. [variations often include "lyke" when typed, but rarely occur in conventional writing.] (Functions as a helping verb, as in English, but connotates varying degrees of emotion dependent on tone.)

1) "Ho, bah, like go beach o' what?"

"Hey, shall we go to the beach?"; "Well, are we going to the beach or not?";

"frick" - Adjective. Adverb. [variations on spelling include "frikkah," when applied to a person, "frikk," and "frik."] (Used as an intensifier particle, not always with negative/insulting intent towards the subject/object.)

1) "Eh, you frikkin' guy."

"Hey, you relatively unrespectable person."; "Hey, that was entertaining/admirable/laudable/enjoyable."; "That was a silly/stupid/inappropriate thing to do, you know."

2) "Ho, you frikkah!"

*See above definition.

Life, Death

Taringa whakarongo! Kia rite, kia rite... A kia mau!

Ringaringa pakia,
Waewae takahia kia kino ne haki!

Ka mate, mate ka ora
Ka mate, mate ka ora

A tenei te tangata, puhuruhuru,
Nana nei tiki mai whaka whiti te ra
A hupane! Ka-upane!
A upane kaupane whiti te ra!
HI!

There was going to be a point to this, but I lost it trying to remember to do something else.

Haha

"You couldn't hit water if ya fell outta a boat! ... Right to th' behbe maker! WAHNKA!" - Matt Maile

"Sly-tekkle... Hahaha, wahnkar, I love it!" - Simon Miller

"Your sauce is ALWAYS weak!" - Daniel Maile

Quoth ofe De Daye

"Telecommunication voyeurism may be a sign of serious mental problems. Consult your doctor if excitement from reading Adrian's messages last for more than four hours." - Daniel Lee

Hanashi da na.

FFIIV:AC: Scene: Kadaj confronts Rufus. START - 18.14

K: Uso wa kirai da na.

R: Warukatta. Kondokoso shoujiki ni yo. Are wa omaetachi kara nigeru tojyu heri kara otoshita rashii. Manoneketa hanashi.

K: Honto ni?

R: Chikatte.

K: Jya, kore ni chikatte yo.

[throws Tseng and Elena's bloody ID cards]

R: Mokuteki wa nan da?

K: Okaasan no chikara ga hitsuyo nan da yo. Reunion ni wa doushitemo.

R: Reunion?

K: Okaasan no saibo moratta nakama na ikkashou ni atsumarunda; soshite, hoshi ni fukushuhusurun da yo! Jyunbi ya chakuchakuto susunderukedo, ho-ho na, hitarekasan ga Okaasan o kakushichatakera, sa.

R: Jyunbi da?

K: Seikon... Sachyou mo yoku shiteru yo, ne? Lifestream no naka de Okaasan no irenshinen ga ganbatte ro okage nan da. Sore nan no ii, bokutachi wa Okaasan no ibasho so de shiranai. Nasakenaikedo, shikatta ga nain de yo... Bokutachi wa shinentai dake da, sa. Okaasan o mitsukete saibo akete murama de motodori ni wa narenai. Shinen to seikon dake jya tarinain de, honto no Reunion ni wa, ne.

R: Nan no hanashi da?

K: Shachyo, kizuiterunda?

[Kadaj drops to one knee (Seikon graphic effect)]
{Total time = 2.19} END - 20.33

Quote of the Day!

"I cannot believe how many times I've heard the Continentals talking out of their you-know-what. Just complete BS. Like, this one girl I remember saying, 'If slavery was so bad, why didn't the black people just go back to Africa?' Then she went on: 'It must have been worse off where they came from for them to immigrate here.' Immigrate! Oh, and the classic ending, 'At least in America, they got freedom.'" - HumbleNarcissist

Quote(s) of the Day

"So, does anyone find it ironic that people in Turkey are dying of a sickness called 'bird flu'?" - reidpalmeira

"Adrian is probably making use of his Y-axis with pictures of Japanese models." - BoggleJobber

"I'd rotate YOU around my X-axis." - Kagato Iuchi