e-Me

I used to blog daily when Xanga was hot
In the days before MySpace was king
Now, I'm [something.native] on Blogspot
Simple interface and entry makes my heart sing

Used to have more than a few profiles
MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, too
I learned to tweak all my CSS styles
Used to ask the random people, "So, who are you?"

This is e-Me
My online identity
For all the world to see
This is e-Me

Still go onto Digg, have my look-arounds
Can't help but stop by Neatorama
Spend an hour or so on Newgrounds
4chan if I need a dose of drama

Can't go wrong with Wikipedia
Information, sound and some media
BBC News got the worldwide scoop
Keeps me informed and in the loop

This is e-Me
My online identity
For all the world to see
This is e-Me

Reggae

Don't want no songs about romance
Can't stand trying to pretend
Give I a song about violence
Something I can understand

Give I a beat that I can fight to, oh
A melody with a right-left hook, ooh
Don't want to feel feelings anymore
Run I outside, bust down the door

Toss I a clip, I-ah pick up my gun
Like to hear the laughing AK-47
Easier to deal with the stress
When I blast hole in a man and leave 'im a mess

Oh, why, why does love hurt?
Oh, why, why does love sting?
Oh, why, why does love burn?
Oh, where, where the ending?

UH won against Washington.

We rock.

Kakau: Mana limalima

elemental

I am the rain
Tears of heaven on your face
I am the downpour
Filling up the whole place

I am the lightning
Off in the distance, you can see
I am the thunder
My steps tell the story

I am the cloud
Hanging about your shoulders
I am the wind
Blowing colder and colder

I am the snow
White blanket on the land
I am the blizzard
Thick to blind your hand

I am the storm
Bringing darkness all around
I am the hurricane
Bringing all your dreams to the ground

dream log

I seemed to be wandering around the mainland US or something, wearing pants and a nice dress shirt, although the pants' cuffs were absolutely filthy. I ended up at a huge construction place that sunk into what looked like a crater, but wasn't, and the place itself was actually a huge lumber mill. I managed to work my way down the steep incline, all red dirt, and me without slippers or anything. I got down to the bottom and started walking around the equipment. The stuff was monstrous, like those movies where you see a future full of monolithic things littering the landscape. I managed to find my way to some kind of office in a large hangar-like building. I think I met the site manager, or someone important, and he had me sign some kind of sign-in sheet. In the office, there was a cute, hapa-Japanese/Chinese secretary girl. After she heard who I was, she somehow started smiling and told me we were related. I inquired as to how, but she never gave me an answer as she got some kind of phone call.

The second part of the dream, a transition for which there was none, moved to an almost WarCraft 3 kind of game view, sans HUD. The map/land was an island with a great mountain in the central area. On the coasts, small forces began to colonize and expand territories. There seemed to be humans and orcs, and although I do not remember specific troop types, I recall a blue force fighting a red force at the foot of the mountain. There were many soldiers on both sides, massive armies battling on the plains. The voices were more or less reminiscent of what you would expect from either side. The view switched from aerial to 3rd-person, flying over the battlefield.

I've skipped a few dreams since the last update, but those were private.

Dream Journal - 10/22/07

I know it had to be the TV. I dreamt about something, but now I can't remember. What I do remember is that it involved me, Shaggy and Scooby Doo in some room, hiding from a monster or something like that. I gotta stop watching the new Scooby movies they play on Cartoon Network.

In other news, inspirational music and a question: listen carefully to the lyrics; would you be like that for me?

Dream Log - 10/21/07

Okay, now I know I'm having issues.

The first part of the dream was pretty real. It involved me waking up around 11 or 12 in the morning, realizing I was not only still at home but late for class and work. I was, expectedly, very flustered by this. But this is where it all changed up. Apparently, the world was experiencing some kind of apocalyptic destruction. Hellish demons and zombies and crosses between the two were attacking people. Somehow, I was boarded up in my house against these things, but they got in. Apparently, other people were at the house, as well. One of the things, which pretty much looked like something out of Resident Evil, but less dead, managed to corner me and three other people in my bedroom and attempted to get in through the hallway door. Didn't work to its advantage. In fact, we were able to trick it into running into my room. Then, we beat it with conveniently-placed sticks found in my closet. We also decided to break it up into pieces, or something, and I remember an image of the whole body broken up like a dry cracker. After that, there was some sense that what we had done was all just part of a TV show, that everything was fake and we had finished a shoot. I then proceeded to walk out into the hall, look into my parents' room and see some Filipino girl sitting on the bed in a busboy uniform. That's when I woke up.

Can anyone tell me what's wrong with me?

dream log - 10/20/07

Okay, I'm really just too tired to bullet all the stuff out.

For the most part, it was me in some slightly normal social situation, which was hanging out somewhere (seemed to be a church, or at least the interior was) and finding myself more and more attracted to a certain someone I know in real life.

Problem was that, in the dream, we ended up having a kind of fight/argument because she felt we couldn't really be together. The worst part about it was I just let it go.

Not the best way to start a Saturday morning.

untitled

He moves with purpose, with determination. Every step is planned. Every movement is deliberate. Each breath is spent carefully. His gait is timed so predictably that he could close his eyes and know his footfalls. He walks with a sense of importance. His urgency is apparent in the rigidity of his body, but he is still at ease. He masks himself in an elaborate display for the benefit of those around him, his eyes obscured by the reflective protection of his new sunglasses. The windows to his soul are closed, boarded up in darkness that cannot be penetrated by a mere glance.

He feels everything. There is no emotion that is unknown to him. Still, he betrays nothing to the outside world that he does not himself control. To those around him, he is the same as he has always been, a cheerful young man whose compassionate spirit and magnetic personality have brought him many friends. They do not see the hurt written in the lines on his face, the stories of pain told in the dark circles around his eyes. They do not see these things because he does not let them see.

He turns on his music and loses himself in the verses, the only place where he can open up his heart and pour out all the despair, the madness and the insanity that has accumulated over the course of the day. Whether it be walking around or moving in a vehicle, the quiet moments he affords himself are the moments he takes to ponder. He glances at his watch in a timely fashion, wondering when the day will end and the night will bring sleep. But his sleep is no more restful than his waking dreams, and he dreads the blanket of unconsciousness even more than the real world. In the real world, he can escape under his own volition. In his dreams, he is powerless to move, powerless to protest what he sees. The depth of his fears robs his fantasies of their color; instead, he sees firsthand the desolation that a broken spirit brings.

dream log - 10.14.07

I have no idea anymore.
-----------------------------------
- Arctic base / scientific research center somewhere icy and cold
- Some kind of research dealing with drilling into ice and analyzing samples
- My current job at an IT company was somehow involved because my old boss was there asking if I'd finished a project
- I became involved and had relations with a girl I know in real life, but have no intention of even talking to (creepy feeling, trust me)

sunglasses

i don't wear these glasses
for fashion's sake. I wear them
for me.
i wear them
because they make you look
at you.
and you don't really see me.

they give me a degree of freedom,
to be secret and public
simultaneously.

when i want to disappear
i can disappear behind these reflections.
reflections of you on me.

they are curtains for my mind,
i close these windows to my thoughts
and you are left hearing
only
my voice.

do you really know
what i am
saying?

More Songage

I'll go my way, you'll go yours
Said our goodbyes, there's not much more
Enjoy your life, I wish you well
That's the story, nothing else to tell
But...

You'll go your way, I'll go mine
Eventually, it'll all be fine
I hope you've put me out of your mind
'Cause you've got higher mountains to climb

Time for me to move right on
To live my life, to chase the sun
I've still got dreams that keep me going
And I can't let all these tears be showing

Whoa-oh, it's time to show
Whoa-oh, hard to let go
Whoa-oh, these things I know
Oh, but I need time to heal and grow

Song 3 - Untitled (thus far)

Nothing lasts forever, but maybe that is better
(Oh) Nothing lasts forever for me


It seems it might be better if things lasted for never
Because nothing lasts forever for me

Hopeless - Song 2!

[Verse]
I've lost sight of the future,
Sewn up my life in sutures,
And I just can't see how this will end well

I've got nowhere to go home to,
No one to hold on to,
And even now, I'm not sure I'm all right

[Pre-chorus]
Seems like things just might go good for me
But I don't really have any guarantee

[Chorus]
I'm hopeless
Can't hardly move my feet
I'm hopeless
Forgotten how to eat
I'm hopeless
Like after all this time,
I've finally lost my mind
I'm hopeless

[Verse]
I've written on a Post-It
The things that I have noticed
It's not real long, just everything I've loved

If you'd ever care to read it,
All you'd have to do is see it
And then I think you'd know what it means

[Pre-chorus]
Yet I stare into that familiar night sky
And I can't help but sit there and wonder why

[Chorus]
I'm hopeless
Can't hardly move my feet
I'm hopeless
Forgotten how to eat
I'm hopeless
Like after all this time,
I've finally lost my mind
I'm hopeless

[Verse-rap]


[Chorus]
I'm hopeless
Can't hardly move my feet
I'm hopeless
Forgotten how to eat
I'm hopeless
Like after all this time,
I've finally lost my mind
I'm hopeless

Song 1 (parts of it)

[Verse]
Here's to remembering our notions
To dismembering my emotions
Here's to all the things I used to know
There were good times, there were bad times
From Chili's egg rolls to movie lines
But now that things are different,
I think I need to vent

[Pre-chorus]
I guess I can't complain, I caused myself the pain
But hey, things they were good for a time, and I miss those good times
I'll keep the memories, and let my thinking wander as I please...

[Chorus]
Just leave me be, and I'll just be me
I shouldn't talk at all
If anything, I should just sing
For now, just let me be




[Verse2]
Here's to remembering our notions
To dismembering my emotions
Here's to all the things I used to know
There were good times, there were bad times
From Chili's egg rolls to movie lines
But now that things are different,
I think I need to vent

[Pre-chorus]
I guess I can't complain, I caused myself the pain
But hey, things they were good for a time, and I miss those good times
I'll keep the memories, and let my thinking wander as I please...

[Chorus]
Just leave me be, and I'll just be me
I shouldn't talk at all
If anything, I should just sing
For now, just let me be

07.18.07

So, the last few days, I've been waking up in the night and early in the mornings after going through weird nightmares. Here follows my notes of such. I may expand on them sometime in the near future, but for now, I'm just hoping there aren't any more to come.

---------------
(07.17.07)
I just woke up from what can be described as the creepiest, most realistically disturbing dream I've had in a really long time. I'm going to write notes for the time being, as it is six in the morning, and I have to go to work.

- Opening sequence something like people, dressed in business attire, running away from giant grinding cylinder; one guy looks like the actor playing Daniel on SG:1; all of them fall in a pit, darkness
- Moon Myun Sun - leader of a terrorist cult
- Set fire to my house repeatedly from outside near electrical sockets to look as if the wiring was malfunctioning
- Headed by regional cell leaders, three that I saw
- Used friend's name to get in touch with me
- Tried to get into my house, looked like the old house on Momi Way with the interior of the room at my grandparents' house
- Tried to physically hurt me, my loved ones and my friends
*My mom mentioned something about two Japanese girls coming to the house who seemed to be working under some sunshiney cult group that's been around a long time, but I'm not sure how it related completely

---------------
Second nightmare in two days. Notes follow, the rest will come later.

(07.18.07)
- Trapped in a convenience store-type place
- Me and an older guy, non-white, but not sure of the rest
- Surrounded by bandaged=up forms outside, look like giant, nasty, bloody, bandage-wrapped dead twinkies
- Two guys on the other side thrust knives in through window cracks, I manage to steal one, but don't really have an opportunity to use it
- Outside of store, world is gray, city-like, dreamlike
- Announcer in my dream talking about "And, only with your fingers!"

Again, I wake up shaking, confused, short of breath and ready to bolt. I have a theory, but my theories are either supported by someone else's, or complete bunk. I think it's a combination of stress and worry.

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Addendum to 07.12.07

This post was directly inspired by one of my closest friends at HPU

Recently, I had the chance to watch a new blog be born into the world with a rather impressive, slightly professional first post. It got me thinking: "What have I really done with my blog but put in little blurbs?"

Not much, I tell you.

I aim to change that by writing out my feelings, my opinions and my heartfelt appeals in slightly less emo methodologies.

Today, let's talk about something that's been on my mind a great deal recently. No, I'm not talking about missing the love of my life, although I figured I had to work that in here somewhere, I'm talking about my honest attempt in committing to becoming healthier by going back to a regimen of weekly exercise and making changes in my diet. In doing so, I feel I'm taking steps towards making the most of the time I have by getting my body healthy and getting the blood flowing.

I try to run three times a week, and thankfully, I have a running partner who lives close enough to downtown that I bus over to his place, drop off my stuff, change, and then head to Ala Moana Park. The usual time frame for a run is around twenty to twenty-five minutes, but I've been managing to make it around 20 lately. I'm pretty happy with my abilities thus far, considering I could never run well in high school. While I am not at my lightest, I do think I am more fit than I had originally thought myself.

The downside is such that, because I now work full-time, I can't get out of work much earlier than five in the evening, which means I run late and get home later. I tend to get tired pretty easily, too. I barely make it home with enough energy to eat, shower and talk before I crash. It is to be expected until my body gets in the habit, but even now, I'm trying to find some low impact stuff to tone. Squats and lunges seem to my best bet outside of the running, since I want to work those areas into tone-ness.

Back in the day, I never gave my PE teachers their due for pushing me to exercise and be healthy. I really took the lunches at 'Akahi for granted, too, with their lowered fat content and higher-than-normal nutritional value. I also loved having skim milk for free. It really was a high point in my overall health and fitness. In fact, it was a high point in my life in general. I was confident in myself, happy with my world and had only homework and Speech about which to think. It comes to me now that I was, and still am, to many degrees, a very care-free, easygoing fellow. I haven't had to deal with half of the things that most people do in their early years. I consider myself blessed to have not gone through some things, but I wonder if I'll ever get to know the rest of normalcy.

Anyway, fitness.

I feel that, if I stick with it and keep up my activity levels now and during school, I will be able to effect major changes. I'll be losing weight, toning up and using the excess energy that often plagues me at night. True, it will be difficult to throw working out into the everyday schedule, but if I can prioritize my time and make the best of it, I will keep to it. Running before school may be an option, because running after will just be too late. We'll have to see.

In the meantime, I still feel like a fatty, but I know why. These jeans I have on right now are just way too baggy. My mom was right about me needing to get clothes that actually look good on me. Now, I feel confident enough to wear things a little less baggy and more fitting, because I know I'm going to keep moving forward in my habits.

Next time on Something Native: Daniel gets banned from Senate hearings in Zambia, mixing volcanoes and tornadoes, and more tales of interest! Tune in, same time, same hypertext transfer protocol!

07.12.07

Movies tonight. Thank God for the dollar theatres at Restaurant Row.

I'm poor because I haven't gotten paid yet, and I need to get my money from those other guys who still owe me. They aren't wankers, but they're not far from being given the title "honorary moocher representative at large."

Heh. The day, she begins with a bang and ends with a whimper, non?

It's going to be a long week.

Gramps is in the hospital today: Friday, June 15th, 2007. It is now about 8:46 and all we know so far is that he is stable, but they're running tests.